The current COVID-19 pandemic has produced a broad sense of unease and fear which transmits the message that the world is not safe (however much adults try to shield young children). Many children in quarantine with their families are experiencing exceptional amounts of screen time—and having to make sense of images, ideas, and terminology that can foster fear and prejudice. Included in these messages are racist ideas falsely attributing the cause of the coronavirus to people of Chinese descent and, by extension, to people of other Asian and Pacific ethnicities. However, as challenging as this period is, it also offers opportunities to engage young children in rich, meaningful conversations. 

In addition, beginning in the month of May and beyond, even very young children heard about, saw on television, or saw in person the wide-spread demonstrations focusing on the need to end racism in police systems and other societal institutions. Children need help making sense of what they are seeing and hearing. These conversations also offer us important teachable moments to engage young children in discussion about their identities, human diversity, fairness and unfairness, and the right of people to stand up for their beliefs.

Children rely on their trusted adults to help them make sense of the confusing messages the world sends them about what and who are safe and okay. Children need direct, truthful responses shaped to meet their developmental level of understanding. But all too often, when children express their confusion, pre-prejudice, or fears, adults try to reassure them without addressing the specific anxiety and issue. For example, when someone sneezes, a child looks worried and asks, “Are we going to die?” The adult offers an unsatisfactory, generic reply: “Everything is okay. There’s nothing to worry about.” 

Similarly, when a child makes a comment that reflects biased ideas about human diversity, many adults do not directly address the underlying issue. For example, while taking a walk around the block and passing people wearing masks, a 4-year-old White child points to a White person and asks her mother, “Is that a nurse?” Her mother replies, “No, that is one of our neighbors wearing a mask to help her and us stay well.” A little later, they pass a masked person with dark skin. The child points and states, “That’s a robber.” This time her mother stays quiet, not knowing what to say. Later, she calls her child’s teacher to ask him what she might have said.

The hurtful power of silence

Silence is a powerful teacher. What you do not say carries messages that are as strong as what you do say. Regardless of your intent, the unwillingness to talk with a child openly and directly about the world sends serious, strong, and potentially hurtful messages. When adults are silent or vague about things that children are seeing and trying to understand, children absorb the emotional message that the subject is not okay to talk about. This leaves children with an undercurrent of anxiety and unease, which are the earliest lessons about bias and fear. Consider:

• Silence robs children of a vocabulary to ask questions or talk about what is confusing or troubling to them.
• Silence forces children to figure things out on their own using their limited understanding of the world.
• Silence teaches fear—the subject is so unsafe the adults will not even talk about it.
• Silence forces children to rely on sources such as other children (the 6-year-old next door, a 10-year-old cousin) and the media (TV, advertising, videos) for information, including how they should feel and think about what is happening in their world. These are major sources of inaccurate and often stereotyped information.

General guidelines for brave conversations with children

Children depend on adults to help them figure out what things mean. Children’s curiosity, puzzlement, and anxiety provide rich opportunities for adults to respond to their attempts to understand what they observe happening in their world. Our responsibility is to give accurate, developmentally appropriate, matter-of-fact information that helps children develop the conviction that, when the world is unsafe, there are always people who are working to make it safe. They also need information and values that enable them to thrive in a world of diversity and to resist messages of bias and hate.

Here are some basic guidelines to help you hold meaningful conversations with children in the face of difficult events and situations.

• Make it safe. As always, the first thing to do when children are distressed is to be a safe and reassuring presence for all the children. 
• Find out what children know. Without judgment, find out what children are feeling and thinking and how they make sense of the situation. Listen carefully and verbally reflect children’s thinking back to them (however inaccurate). Give names to their feelings.
• Tell the truth. Say, “Here’s what I know about what is happening” or “This is what I think about what you saw/said/did.” Clarify misinformation as factually and simply as you can: “Some people call it the ‘China virus,’ but that is not a true statement. This virus is all over the world.” Think about what information children need for processing their feelings as well as for clarifying misinformation.
• Check back in with children. Check back in to find out how the children feel and think about what they have heard from you. Ask children if they have more questions—and proceed depending on what they say. Expect to have several conversations pertaining to this topic over time.
• State the justice issues. Talk about what is hurtful or helpful, what is fair or unfair in the situation. Share your own (or your school’s) values: “In our family, we. . .” or “In our classroom, we. . .”
• Give children something to do to make it better. Let children know there are people working to fix the problems. Ask them for their ideas of what they can do to help. Support children to do something age-appropriate about the situation.

Sometimes the words just do not come. You are uncertain how to simplify complicated issues or worry about saying something wrong. Regardless, do not let this wonderful opportunity slip away. Take a deep breath, repeat what you have heard from the child and then use phrases like the following:

• “This is really important, and I need to think about how we can talk about it.” 
• “I’m not sure what words to use right now. But I am going to ask Candra to help me, and we will all talk about this tomorrow.”
• “You know, when I was your age no one helped me think about this, so I’m not sure what words to use. But I’ll think about this and we will talk later.”

And then—follow up! Bring up the issue and begin a new dialogue that may continue for brief periods over several days. See “Key Ideas to Share with Children” on below for important points to communicate during these conversations.

What is wonderful is that every time you engage in brave conversations like these, you, the children, and the other adults in the children’s lives all get better at listening and talking together about hard topics. And children learn to trust that their special adults are truly there to help them maneuver a complicated world.